Now that the COVID pandemic has changed our personal and artistic pursuits, let’s consider how our favorite operas and stage plays will be changed by social distancing.
Streetcar Named Desire- T. Williams
Blanche du Bois wanders the French Quarter uttering, “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers,” but no one can hear her behind her silk mask, so she gets hit by the streetcar and is impaled by the bottle of vodka concealed in her tattered negligee. Stanley Kowalski’s big mouth is unhindered by the mask made out of his Dago t-shirt.
William Tell- Rossini
William Tell can’t accurately shoot the apple off his son’s head because the mask impairs his depth perception so he kills the Grand Duke instead and is exiled to Elba where he and Napoleon invent Peach Melba.
Cyrano de Bergerac-Rostand
All future performances will be cancelled as there is no mask big enough to cover Cyrano’s nose.
No Exit- Sartre
Inez, Joseph and Estelle are forced to wear masks the entire time that they are in exile and in verbal combat. Inez complains incessantly of not being able to perform sex acts with her masked mouth. Estelle complains she won’t be able to repair her makeup and where is her lipstick? Joseph is pissed the ladies can’t see his infamous sneer. They sit throughout eternity snapping the elastic bands on their masks while Inez screeches renditions of La Vie en Rose and other Piaf tunes.
Medea
Because all the students are wearing masks Medea can’t find her children to murder as she wanders the playground of the Peloponnesus Day School. Instead, she drags her bony ass to the seashore and drowns herself.
The Phantom of the Opera- Leroux or Lloyd Webber, if you must
Erik the Phantom gets to be with his beloved Christine, because she never sees his deformed face behind the mask and he never sees hers, thus keeping the reality of her overbite and pug nose a secret throughout eternity. Amor vincit amnia, said Virgil, who ripped up old togas for masks.
Un Ballo in Maschera- A Masked Ball- Verdi
Everyone remains masked during the entire opera thereby keeping Riccardo alive. Ulrica the witch goes out of business as no one can sniff her psychedelic herbs and get high. The peasants dance and sing and manage to swill potent cheap wine through holes in their masks. These masks are then passed on to the gypsies in Il Trovatore, which keeps unemployment down at the Metropolitan Opera.
Shakespeare
Richard the Third- can’t find a horse behind his mask.
Othello- can’t strangle Desdemona as her mask is encircled with jewels that hang to her bosom.
Macbeth- Lady Macbeth, wearing a mask and far-sighted, never gets those damn spots off her hands.
Romeo and Juliet- Romeo, wearing a heavy ornate lion mask and being near-sighted, falls off Juliet’s balcony and is plunged to an even earlier death.
Peter Pan- J.M. Barrie- Peter Pan, having vision problems with his shadow mask that Tinkerbell booby-trapped because she hates Wendy, can’t find Neverland. He gives up flying and permanently moves in with the Darlings, watching reruns of Seinfeld and Bonanza and ordering curbside pick-up Domino’s pizzas.
And for the poets-
He jests at scars that never felt or wore a mask. Romeo
Two masks diverged in a yellow wood. Robert Frost
If masks be the food of love, wear on. Count Orsino
How do I love thee? Let me count the masks. Liz Barrett Browning
Methought, I was enamoured of an ass in a mask. Titania
Oh, my love is like a red, red mask. Robert Burns
A mask! A mask! My kingdom for a mask. Richard III
Awop-bop-a-loo-mop alop-bom-bom. Little Richard, R.I.P.